Confession: I'm a Perfectionist and It's Not Fun

So remember how I was going to use my blogging break last week to write a bunch of posts that have been just sitting around in my brain waiting to be written? Yeah, um, about that.

Turns out I have writer's block. But not the kind where you run out of ideas. The kind of writer's block where I have plenty of ideas swirling around in my head but then when I go to actually put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard?) I just kind of blank out because I feel like I don't know how to really articulate my thoughts. So instead of just starting to type and working it out as I go, I freeze up and don't even try. Lame.

Ok, this ecard is actually rather perfect here (no pun intended) because it articulates my exact feelings BUT the mistake in the grammar is driving me crazy. So wonderfully ironic. *I'd rather...*

This is not a new phenomenon for me. It pretty much comes with territory of being horribly perfectionistic. And I don't say "I'm a perfectionist" in that humble-brag, "I do everything perfectly or not at all" kind of way (because of course I don't do everything perfectly). Being a perfectionist is actually really frustrating, because it paralyzes you. It says "I don't know that I can hit this out of the park on the first try, so forget it." Or "I tried that once and sucked at it, so never mind."

Of course at the root of all of this is ugly, stinking pride. Being afraid to fail because what? I'm afraid what people will think? I'm afraid my worth will go down in their estimation? And so what if it does? Why am I SO afraid of that?

Pride does not serve. Pride does not love. Pride is more concerned with it's own comfort and status than it is with helping others.

It's really funny too, because of course I KNOW being perfect is a big ol' lie and entirely impossible, and I've already failed at being perfect. Like, on Day 1. So I know what I need to do instead is to "cease striving." But I still struggle.

I think ultimately I just don't want this fear to keep me from the potential to accomplish some pretty great things. From following God's plan for me into the great unknown. Gosh, I hate unknowns. I'm pretty much the exact opposite of an adventurer, someone who's willing to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. I've always said I wish God would just give me a 5 year plan, you know? Just lay it out for me so I know what the next 5 years is going to look like and which way I'm supposed to go, and I'll be good. That's obviously not how it works though.

I know my goal in life is not meant to be "Do everything perfectly and make sure everyone likes you and always be safe and never do anything you could fail at." If you never try, then you'll never know, right? (h/t to Coldplay)

Sheesh. This got heavy in a hurry. Sorry about that. I just have a lot of feelings.

Thankful

I have so many things to be thankful for. Here are just a few: 

I'm thankful for the love and grace of God in my life. This means everything to me, and I wouldn't be where I am today without His love. 

I'm thankful for my husband. He is my best friend and I couldn't imagine doing this life without him. 

 

I'm thankful for family. I've learned never to take it for granted and to cherish time with the ones you love.

I'm thankful for my friends. I've never been one to have a ton of friends, but the ones I do have are the kind I can always count on. 

I'm thankful for my dogs! I know that may sound silly, but they really are like family to us, and they bring us so much joy! 

I'm thankful for our home. It's not huge and fancy, sometimes it's messy and cluttered, but it's ours and we love it.

 

I'm thankful for provision- food to eat, clean water to drink, clothes to wear, and a roof over our heads. So many people don't have these basic necessities, and we are so very blessed to have all of these in abundance. I never want to lose sight of that in the constant push we feel for more.

 

I'm thankful for my job. I don't always feel like getting up in the morning to go, but it's a great job, I work with great people, and it helps to pay the bills!

 

I'm thankful for all of you, my readers! It's still kind of crazy to me that there are people who show up to this space to read my words. But I am so thankful for it, and for the amazing community of bloggers I have met.

 

I'm thankful for the legacy my parents left me of their trust in God, their kindness, and their integrity. I am so thankful to have such wonderful examples.

 

There is so much more I could say, but suffice it to say, I am truly blessed.

 

I'm going to take a little break from blogging for the next few days to unplug and really soak in my time with Adam and friends. I will be back on Monday to recap all of the Thanksgiving awesomeness! 

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

 

Being much more than me

This is definitely a more serious post than I usually do. Forgive my ramblings, but these thoughts have been on my mind a lot lately. Also, holy word count Batman. I fully understand if you don't want to read all this. But if you do, thank you.

I'm trying to find the balance of who I am and who I want to be. I'm not wholly displeased with who I am, but there are (as I think there always should be) those things that I know I can and should improve on, like being timid and letting fear hold me back from stepping out in faith. Or being jealous of what others have instead of being thankful for what I have. Generally I am very thankful but there are certain things (not just material things, mind you) that I want so badly that to see others enjoying them creates a strange mix of joy for them and a deep ache of longing in me.

I know I'm not all I should be, but then I also know that I will never completely meet even my own expectations (being the perfectionist that I am). So where is the line between being who I am and knowing I am loved regardless, and settling for the status quo simply because it's easy and comfortable? While I am happy in my little life, sometimes I feel it is just that. Little. I've never been the type to be really ambitious or a "go-getter". I don't feel that fire to be famously known or succeed in some spectacular way. Is that wrong? I'm happy with my house and my husband and my pups and my job and my simple life of 8-5 during the week and dinner with friends and time with Adam on the weekends (And obviously run-on sentences).

I guess I'm "basic" as they say. I love everything they say is "basic" like boots and sweater season (however short-lived it may be here in the Sunshine State), pumpkin everything, sugary coffee drinks, reading books, being girly, watching chick-flicks, etc. Heck, I even own a "purse dog". And I'm ok with that in so much as I don't feel the need to be super different or in the spotlight. But the thing I am not ok with is settling into a life that's comfortable, but not making a difference. A life that feels good to me, but isn't looking at the bigger picture of why I'm here on this earth at all. I mean, I'm not just here to be as happy and comfortable as I can possibly be. I'm here to serve God and love people, whatever that means.

But what does that mean for me? I know for some people it means serving in another country or speaking from a pulpit, or being on the national, or even global stage. But I have also known many people in my life who will never be on TV, or in the news, who you would never know their name, but in their quiet way have faithfully served God their entire lives and left an indelible mark on those they know or have known.

My dad was one of those people. He was a simple man with a simple faith who lived his life to serve God and love his family. He was very quiet but when he spoke everyone listened. He may not have done anything extraordinary by the world's standards, but he loved people and he was extravagantly generous, almost to a fault. He would both literally and figuratively give you the shirt off his back. He was one of the most selfless people I've ever known.

So maybe leaving my mark doesn't have to include any certain measure of success or accomplishment. Maybe it's just about being love to those people you can make an impact on, however small that circle is. Do justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God.

I don't even really know where I'm ultimately going with all this, other than to say I'm blissfully happy where I am now, despite what may seem small and inconsequential to most of the world, but I know happiness is not the ultimate goal in my life. True joy and peace comes from knowing you're where you're supposed to be, even in the midst of discomfort and uncertainty. I do have that. And maybe, at least for now, that's enough.

Linking up!

WYWW

 

A Letter to Myself in 10 Years

Look at me all fancy with my PicMonkey skills...

I know I'm a day late on this, but I saw everyone posting it yesterday and loved the idea! Thought I would take a stab at it. It was actually really hard to think of what to say at first, my mind was blank! But when you start to just think about what kind of person you are now and what kind of person you want to be, it starts to flow.

Dear 41-year old me (Yikes),
Well, here we are, a decade older and (hopefully) wiser. I hope you're as happy as I am right now, but more important than that, I hope you're following hard after God and leaning in to Him for everything, because He is everything. I hope you have only deepened your relationship with Him and grown more aware of His voice, more in tune with His call, and more in love with His heart.

I hope you are falling more deeply in love every day with that awesome, crazy guy named Adam. I know he's your very best friend, and I hope you two are still having fun together, laughing at stupid inside jokes until you can't breathe, watching the same TV series on DVD over and over and never getting tired of it, making up your own lyrics to songs (although he will always be better at it than you are) and taking yearly trips to Disney World or somewhere equally childlike and fun.  Never take yourselves too seriously, love each other unconditionally, and I know you'll be just fine. We've already been through a lot together at 31 and 32 respectively, so I know there's nothing you can't face.

I hope you're taking good care of yourself and continuing the healthy habits I am trying to cultivate now. I hope you never take your health for granted and realize how blessed you are to be healthy and strong. I also hope you aren't being harsh with yourself in regards to your appearance. I hope you're not still agonizing over every ounce of weight or dimple in your thighs. Life's so much more than that. And I have it on good authority that Adam thinks you're beautiful just the way you are.

I hope you have come out of your shell more as far as friendships are concerned. I hope you're not letting your shyness and insecurities keep you from reaching out to people to cultivate more friendships and not letting fear keep you from being the one to "make the first move". When you do get past your fear you realize that you're a pretty cool person and people really do like you enough to be your friend.

I hope that no matter what you are doing for a living, you're doing it with all of your heart and as unto Him, not to please others. I hope you have moved past the performance mentality, feeling like you have to achieve a certain level of perfection, success or "togetherness" in life in order to have value and substance.  I hope you are taking time out for quiet, peaceful moments in the midst of the "busy" and realizing that you are already so completely loved and "enough" because of who you are in Christ, not because of what you can accomplish.

I hope you have learned how futile it is to worry and fret and fear over every little contingency in life, and realize that it adds not one thing to your life, it only takes.

I hope you are a person of grace and love.

Sincerely,
31-year old you