This is definitely a more serious post than I usually do. Forgive my ramblings, but these thoughts have been on my mind a lot lately. Also, holy word count Batman. I fully understand if you don't want to read all this. But if you do, thank you.
I'm trying to find the balance of who I am and who I want to be. I'm not wholly displeased with who I am, but there are (as I think there always should be) those things that I know I can and should improve on, like being timid and letting fear hold me back from stepping out in faith. Or being jealous of what others have instead of being thankful for what I have. Generally I am very thankful but there are certain things (not just material things, mind you) that I want so badly that to see others enjoying them creates a strange mix of joy for them and a deep ache of longing in me.
I know I'm not all I should be, but then I also know that I will never completely meet even my own expectations (being the perfectionist that I am). So where is the line between being who I am and knowing I am loved regardless, and settling for the status quo simply because it's easy and comfortable? While I am happy in my little life, sometimes I feel it is just that. Little. I've never been the type to be really ambitious or a "go-getter". I don't feel that fire to be famously known or succeed in some spectacular way. Is that wrong? I'm happy with my house and my husband and my pups and my job and my simple life of 8-5 during the week and dinner with friends and time with Adam on the weekends (And obviously run-on sentences).
I guess I'm "basic" as they say. I love everything they say is "basic" like boots and sweater season (however short-lived it may be here in the Sunshine State), pumpkin everything, sugary coffee drinks, reading books, being girly, watching chick-flicks, etc. Heck, I even own a "purse dog". And I'm ok with that in so much as I don't feel the need to be super different or in the spotlight. But the thing I am not ok with is settling into a life that's comfortable, but not making a difference. A life that feels good to me, but isn't looking at the bigger picture of why I'm here on this earth at all. I mean, I'm not just here to be as happy and comfortable as I can possibly be. I'm here to serve God and love people, whatever that means.
But what does that mean for me? I know for some people it means serving in another country or speaking from a pulpit, or being on the national, or even global stage. But I have also known many people in my life who will never be on TV, or in the news, who you would never know their name, but in their quiet way have faithfully served God their entire lives and left an indelible mark on those they know or have known.
My dad was one of those people. He was a simple man with a simple faith who lived his life to serve God and love his family. He was very quiet but when he spoke everyone listened. He may not have done anything extraordinary by the world's standards, but he loved people and he was extravagantly generous, almost to a fault. He would both literally and figuratively give you the shirt off his back. He was one of the most selfless people I've ever known.
So maybe leaving my mark doesn't have to include any certain measure of success or accomplishment. Maybe it's just about being love to those people you can make an impact on, however small that circle is. Do justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God.
I don't even really know where I'm ultimately going with all this, other than to say I'm blissfully happy where I am now, despite what may seem small and inconsequential to most of the world, but I know happiness is not the ultimate goal in my life. True joy and peace comes from knowing you're where you're supposed to be, even in the midst of discomfort and uncertainty. I do have that. And maybe, at least for now, that's enough.