I'm trying to find the balance of who I am and who I want to be. I'm not wholly displeased with who I am, but there are (as I think there always should be) those things that I know I can and should improve on, like being timid and letting fear hold me back from stepping out in faith. Or being jealous of what others have instead of being thankful for what I have. Generally I am very thankful but there are certain things (not just material things, mind you) that I want so badly that to see others enjoying them creates a strange mix of joy for them and a deep ache of longing in me.
I know I'm not all I should be, but then I also know that I will never completely meet even my own expectations (being the perfectionist that I am). So where is the line between being who I am and knowing I am loved regardless, and settling for the status quo simply because it's easy and comfortable? While I am happy in my little life, sometimes I feel it is just that. Little. I've never been the type to be really ambitious or a "go-getter". I don't feel that fire to be famously known or succeed in some spectacular way. Is that wrong? I'm happy with my house and my husband and my pups and my job and my simple life of 8-5 during the week and dinner with friends and time with Adam on the weekends (And obviously run-on sentences).
I guess I'm "basic" as they say. I love everything they say is "basic" like boots and sweater season (however short-lived it may be here in the Sunshine State), pumpkin everything, sugary coffee drinks, reading books, being girly, watching chick-flicks, etc. Heck, I even own a "purse dog". And I'm ok with that in so much as I don't feel the need to be super different or in the spotlight. But the thing I am not ok with is settling into a life that's comfortable, but not making a difference. A life that feels good to me, but isn't looking at the bigger picture of why I'm here on this earth at all. I mean, I'm not just here to be as happy and comfortable as I can possibly be. I'm here to serve God and love people, whatever that means.
But what does that mean for me? I know for some people it means serving in another country or speaking from a pulpit, or being on the national, or even global stage. But I have also known many people in my life who will never be on TV, or in the news, who you would never know their name, but in their quiet way have faithfully served God their entire lives and left an indelible mark on those they know or have known.
My dad was one of those people. He was a simple man with a simple faith who lived his life to serve God and love his family. He was very quiet but when he spoke everyone listened. He may not have done anything extraordinary by the world's standards, but he loved people and he was extravagantly generous, almost to a fault. He would both literally and figuratively give you the shirt off his back. He was one of the most selfless people I've ever known.
So maybe leaving my mark doesn't have to include any certain measure of success or accomplishment. Maybe it's just about being love to those people you can make an impact on, however small that circle is. Do justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God.
I don't even really know where I'm ultimately going with all this, other than to say I'm blissfully happy where I am now, despite what may seem small and inconsequential to most of the world, but I know happiness is not the ultimate goal in my life. True joy and peace comes from knowing you're where you're supposed to be, even in the midst of discomfort and uncertainty. I do have that. And maybe, at least for now, that's enough.
Linking up!
There is a lot of good in this post! I think getting it out for you was the first step and there is nothing simple or basic about your life, because it's yours and that makes it extraordinary!
ReplyDeleteI love this post so, so much.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to be introspective now and then. I think it's great that you're figuring out who you are and what's important to you and honestly, I don't have that "fire" either. It makes me feel "less than" somehow but I realize that I'm doing the best I can.
As for being basic, so what? If it makes you happy, then no one else's opinion matters.
I feel as though I tend to be mostly a "basic" girl as well. And I try to live simply by the rules of being nice to others, go out of my way to help those in need, and be passionate about something and do everything you can for that something. For me that is animals, and volunteering at the humane society. Donating when I can. And simply just to love.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Biana, that getting it out in the open, be it on a blog or in a journal, is the first step. And I hate the term basic, because it's meant as a mean thing. It's meant to mean boring, but basic doesn't have to mean boring. You can like the things you like, it's your personality that makes you who you are, not just what you like/dislike.
ReplyDeleteFrom the tone of your post today and other days, I get the sense you are very kind, caring soul that has made a difference in someone's day, more often than you think. Sometimes, it's just a smile, a thank you or a compliment that you give that changes someone's outlook on life that day and that's all you need.
Your dad sounds like an amazing man and an amazing person to model yourself after. Both of my parents sound similar to him and I try to be like them, as much as possible. I also worry, that I'm not leaving enough of a GOOD impact on the world, as we are called to do.
Maybe look into helping at your church with the nursery, youth, or an organization that you enjoy. Or find a cause to be passionate about, even if it's just once a month or every other month. My two big causes are Hurricane Katrina relief/disaster relief and also the Shade and Fresh water project at my church.
Wow, long comment, but all I really want you to hear is, you are not alone and you are doing more than you think! xoox
hey, nothing wrong with being basic in my opinion. sometimes i get really down on myself and want to change this or that, be this or that because someone else has something better or is a nicer person... at the end of the day i needed to stop comparing and just focus on being a good, nice person. so when i look at my life and i think it's not very exciting, or it's boring and simple.. well i tell myself to shut up and be happy ;) i try to do things that make me feel good, whether it's hanging out with friends, reading, playing with my cats, volunteering - whatever. if it makes you happy, that is all.that.matters!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I get to feeling a little overwhelmed when life just feels like groundhog day over and over.....like is this all there is....waking up....rushing all day....eating dinner....passing out and repeat. I think having a healthy social life and taking the time to give back helps to break up the monotony of the day to day.
ReplyDeleteI love this post. It's nice to get your thoughts out...and isn't that what this space is for? Are you making you happy? Sounds like it..that's what matters! :)
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