So remember how I was going to use my blogging break last week to write a bunch of posts that have been just sitting around in my brain waiting to be written? Yeah, um, about that.
Turns out I have writer's block. But not the kind where you run out of ideas. The kind of writer's block where I have plenty of ideas swirling around in my head but then when I go to actually put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard?) I just kind of blank out because I feel like I don't know how to really articulate my thoughts. So instead of just starting to type and working it out as I go, I freeze up and don't even try. Lame.
Ok, this ecard is actually rather perfect here (no pun intended) because it articulates my exact feelings BUT the mistake in the grammar is driving me crazy. So wonderfully ironic. *I'd rather...*
This is not a new phenomenon for me. It pretty much comes with territory of being horribly perfectionistic. And I don't say "I'm a perfectionist" in that humble-brag, "I do everything perfectly or not at all" kind of way (because of course I don't do everything perfectly). Being a perfectionist is actually really frustrating, because it paralyzes you. It says "I don't know that I can hit this out of the park on the first try, so forget it." Or "I tried that once and sucked at it, so never mind."
Of course at the root of all of this is ugly, stinking pride. Being afraid to fail because what? I'm afraid what people will think? I'm afraid my worth will go down in their estimation? And so what if it does? Why am I SO afraid of that?
Pride does not serve. Pride does not love. Pride is more concerned with it's own comfort and status than it is with helping others.
It's really funny too, because of course I KNOW being perfect is a big ol' lie and entirely impossible, and I've already failed at being perfect. Like, on Day 1. So I know what I need to do instead is to "cease striving." But I still struggle.
I think ultimately I just don't want this fear to keep me from the potential to accomplish some pretty great things. From following God's plan for me into the great unknown. Gosh, I hate unknowns. I'm pretty much the exact opposite of an adventurer, someone who's willing to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. I've always said I wish God would just give me a 5 year plan, you know? Just lay it out for me so I know what the next 5 years is going to look like and which way I'm supposed to go, and I'll be good. That's obviously not how it works though.
I know my goal in life is not meant to be "Do everything perfectly and make sure everyone likes you and always be safe and never do anything you could fail at." If you never try, then you'll never know, right? (h/t to Coldplay)
Sheesh. This got heavy in a hurry. Sorry about that. I just have a lot of feelings.